Men's Health Week: June 15-21, 2020

hope you had a restful Thanksgiving (I clearly took a break from blogs!) and this holiday season brings you some joy as we end 2020 (phew!). As we bring this year to a close I have a mindfulness activity for you. Look back on this year, take a deep breathe and ask yourself.... Where did you endure? Where was joy found? What do you need to leave in 2020 as you move into 2021? Where do you need healing? As you ask yourself and reflect: take space to observe what these questions bring up and what feelings are showing up. Describe the senses happening around you. Are you writing these answers down? Let this be a wave and give yourself credit for how this year impacted you and how you’re on the other side. Also know, support is available.

Did you know being single is okay? Sadly, our society is built on the idea that we must be in a romantic relationship. We must get married, we must have kids and if we don’t we are lesser than…well that is straight poppycock! Research has proven that being single for a longer period of time before being in a long-term committed relationship is the best thing we can do to make our relationships last. Now, ya’ll who met your partners when you were two by the monkey bars like Cory and Topanga that’s great! This blog is not for you, but you could possibly learn some cool things! If you are single, do yourself a favor. Go to therapy, work on yourself, heal, become the person you want to be on your own terms. Work on developing and being strong and confident in who you are, your values and identity so if you do meet your person you will not waiver in your new partnership. If a relationship is not in your future, or choose to be single, do this work anyway because we all deserve to love and honor ourselves. According to this TIME article, here are nine ways being single can work in your favor and help you! Your mind is uncluttered You are more flexible You have time to really build your identity You get to set your goals for life on your own terms Sometimes you are happier while being single You learn to be financially independent You learn, develop and practice the selfcare that works for you You learn the difference between being lonely vs being at peace with yourself You build your confidence From a therapeutic point of view what this article is stating is you learn that relationships aren’t about finding your, “better half.” If you choose to be in a relationship or want to be in one, it is about two whole people coming together who are in love and want to live life together. Remember! working on yourself while you are single is not about preparing you for a relationship! We should always be working on ourselves, but if a relationship is what you want and is a goal of yours then set yourself up for success.  “Did I pick the right person? This question inverts the starting and ending points. We do not pick our perfect match because we ourselves are not perfect. The universe hands us a flawless diamond—in the rough. Only if we are willing to polish off every part of ourselves that cannot join do we end up with a soul mate.” ― David Schnarch For this national singles day; IT IS OKAY TO BE SINGLE. It is okay to want to be single. Some people feel called to singlehood. Soulmates are not just romantic partners. IF A RELATIONSHIP IS WHAT YOU DESIRE, do the work! Be the best you before starting anything serious and intimate. Be picky and do not lower your expectations or boundaries out of fear, sadness or loneliness.

Most people unless you live under a rock have heard of John Gottman. He is one of the greats surrounding how to observe, tackle, and mend relationships. If you want to know more about him learn about his “ love labs .” They are fascinating. When I work with couples there are two important steps! First, understand every couple is unique, no treatment plan or goals should be the same among couples. Secondly, there needs to be a plan or a guide to help. There are so many frameworks therapists and mental health professionals can choose from. I choose John Gottman. He uses something referred to as the sound relationship house . It is a framework that encourages and prioritizes that no couple is the same. Not in their history, their foundation, their trauma, their boundaries, their “bids,” how they show love, how they fight and repair and how they simply be. The theory may look basic but when couples do the work and do it well, each step is tough. Also, who doesn’t love a dang good metaphor ! If you are a couple who is new, seasoned, engaged, struggling, in your sweet spot or simply needing a check up (like you would a doctor or a dentist) using Gottmans’s sound relationship house theory is a wonderful place to start. What this theory covers: Knowing one another deeply and intentionally. Learning how to show appreciation and love (bids) towards one another that only you two understand. Knowing how to fight well, choose conflict and repair. Understanding how to turn towards one another, be in togetherness but not lose your autonomy. Generational legacy change. If you are a couple, or even an individual wanting to do work around your role in relationships starting therapy with Healing Towards Wellness and going through the sound relationship house steps is a safe and encouraging space to start.

Want to know what comes up quite a bit in my therapy room...Sometimes even more than parents? Relationships with siblings, or the relationship with being an only child. So much around our growth, development, outlook on life, identity and our narratives are influenced around sibling order or being an only kid. Where do you land in order of your siblings? Are you an only child? Do you have larger age gaps or are you Irish twins? Were you considered siblings though you were actually cousins? All of these questions are important to the therapeutic process. Our siblings are our first friends, our first relationships. Our siblings can be our first physical and emotional wounds but our siblings can also be our fiercest supporters. We learn how to communicate, fight and live with our siblings before anyone else. We forget sometimes that we grow up and learn skills for the first time typically with your siblings around. So much of what happens when we are young with our siblings impacts how we are in relationship with them as adults. Family gatherings, parents wills, our roles as aunts and uncles, I could go on! *When we don’t heal, set boundaries and turn towards these precious relationships, wounds and uncomfy interactions will continue to build during moments that are so important; weddings, births, holidays, etc. We would think sibling order would have more impact on our development than it actually does, which is fascinating! Sibling order is equivalent to where we are on the Myers-briggs, or our attachment style. It’s not as scientific as we typically believe. We all know the stereotypes; The oldest is the most responsible, The middle is the peacemaker, and the youngest is the innovator. We’ve all heard it, But did you know, our personalities and how we live is more based on how our parents connection with our own individual temperaments? Not sibling order. Sibling order characteristics are an outcome to those parent-child relationship, not the other way around. Maybe you are someone who needs to try a little harder, maybe you are someone who needs to build healthier boundaries, or maybe you are someone who needs to accept that your relationship with your siblings are gonna just be what it is and how to find joy in that dynamic. All of these areas can be hard. When we think about our relationships with our sibs it’s most important to work through whatever our stuff is so we can continue to have and build on what were some of our original relationships. The relationships that helped guide us and be who we are. *HTW does not support cut off or cancel culture as a first step in relationships unless abuse is involved. We work towards healing, turning towards and repairing relationships first.

The number one thing I work on with clients are the patterns they bring to relationships with others. Our patterns reflect our trauma, our identity, our narrative, the choices we make, how we cope… I could honestly go on forever around how our patterns influence every single aspect of our lives. If we are unaware of our patterns either within ourselves or with others, healing and growth will not happen. Period. Here are a series of questions to ask yourself to better understand your patterns. Questions to consider: As you answer, consider the relationships and friendships you have, as well as the family dynamics you grew up in. What role do you typically play in your relationships? Caregiver, needy, peacemaker, leader, codependent, people-pleaser, the funny one, the wild card…etc. What is your attachment/temperament style? Anxious, secure, avoidant, slow to warm up to others, or quick connection. Are you acting in the way you want, or what others expect? Where do you land on Myers-Briggs? Introverted/extroverted, sensory/intuition, thinking/feeling, judging/perceiving. How do you handle conflict? Consider if you are a fight, flight or freeze. How are you with boundaries: Are you enmeshed (You become so close you don’t know how to function without that person, entangled), disengaged, rigid, or flexible? Are there unhealed wounds or trauma to consider? When emotions are brought up, where is your comfort level within the relationship/friendship? These are simple yet important questions to ask when it comes to understanding our patterns. Be curious and honest around the level of healthy your pattern is and if there needs to be some internal work done. You may not know some of these answers or concepts and that is okay. This is why therapy exists…to help build understanding around how we interact with others and why. If we do not know what our patterns are within our relationships it will be hard to build and sustain healthy relationships, hold healthy boundaries, practice effective self-care and be confident in our identity. I encourage if these questions have impacted you in anyway to reach out for support.

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I want to have a different conversation about video games. When the word, “video games,” come up, an automatic response is either, violence or kids need to get outside and play. This may have been true 30 years ago when video games were starting to be inside the home and people simply didn’t understand. We are not in the 80’s anymore, we are not even in the 90’s anymore! Those children who played video games, are the parents still enjoying video games now AND teaching these games to their kiddos. It is time for the conversation to change. Are you aware video games help with hand/eye coordination? That they help shy kids feel they are a part of a community and that they are awesome! Did you know so many kids who struggle with mental health find friends who end up being lifelong? Video games help with critical thinking, creativity, communication. Gosh, even world competitions exist! But, I am not here to convince you to believe in the power of video games, so I digress… Are you also aware of the amount of family friendly games available? Do you know why this is? Those kids 30 years ago, grew up wanting video games to be a part of their family culture. These creators wanted and continue to work hard in changing the narrative that video games are evil, too sexual and completely lack diversity. Though this is still true in some areas (learn more here) there needs to be a conversation about video games from a systems perspective (I am about to geek out, stick with me). Let’s think about this therapeutically, two terms come to mind, “First order change,” vs “Second order change.” First order change is when you change behavior without changing the mindset. “I am going to get my kid a gaming system, even thought they are dumb and hold little to no value, AND THEY ARE VIOLENT.” How do you think this mindset will be towards your child who you are allowing to play the gaming system you think is stupid? Our thoughts and feelings impact our behaviors. Though you are doing something kind for your child or grand kids, you have judgment towards that gift which will impact every interaction you have with your kids and the gaming system, make sense? Second order change is when you change your mindset to change your behavior. For example: “I am not really into video games, but my kid is, I would love to take this experience, spend time with them and learn how to play so this can be something we do together.” Do you see what happened? The conversation changed to be about conversation and connection vs. what you believe the video games represents. Remember in the beginning of this blog when I told you all the ways video games are pretty cool? Let me try again. Did you know video games increase parent/child interactions and improve boundary and rule making? Did you know when parents are in the room when kids are playing video games it encourages growth around how to be a team player and use appropriate language? It also keeps your kid in check when they maybe want to, “act like a kid.” Did you know video games open up conversations around tough topics like violence, sexuality, how we speak to others, winning vs. losing, etc. in a safe way where it is based around an activity your kid enjoys?! Did you also know, just by sitting in the room, there is a higher likelihood of your kid talking to you voluntarily about something they enjoy which gives you an opportunity to learn about them? Maybe you can than share what you enjoyed when you were their age!  So, maybe I am here to try and convince you that with effective and healthy communication, age appropriate games and time spent together, video games are pretty rad. We have a whole generation to thank for changing the narrative around video games, mental health and family togetherness.

How do we prioritize taking care of ourselves with keeping things light and almost vanilla and also stepping into our wounds to start healing?